Faster heartbeat at every moment.
Solitude. Emptiness.
Numbness.
There are these life-changing moments. We all know they exist, but it’s hard to believe it when we actually face one.
7/6/7 was one of those. And 5/11/11, and 11/11/11. Kind of accelerating the process. Or maybe these are the ones I’m dealing with now so they seem the subject for my thoughts lately.
Definitely 1/3/12 as well.
These were not vital but important: 11, 13 and 14/2/12. 18 and 20/3/12.
And a myriad of other dates.
So many chances to act differently. So many times when a bit of attention could have saved. Yes, saved…
I tried so hard. Really did. I’m not worth shit. :(
So my biggest achievement in life was based in pain. It was turned into beauty in front of two hundred people. Everyone loved it.
Even I loved it. Because that was a way to deal with it. That was a way of telling myself that I was able to turn all that shit into a wonderous happening, something that people had never seen before. And that was a way of making it move, making it keep going… towards a resolution.
Somehow, though… there’s nothing ahead now. She’s gone. For real. As we wanted it to be.
And there’s no reason why I should expell all of this out of me, if it’s in no way a mean to communicate to her. This is will be a show off of pride. Nothing more. It’ll be empty. There won’t be, in me, the desire of making it the last show on Earth. I’m sorry to come on stage knowing that. That could never happen…
There’s nowhere we can go to now. It’s gone.
I feel horrible. Because I did the best I could.
It’s been 9 days since it happened. You’re gone.
I’m relieved that I was able to say everything I had to say before that. I guess I’d never feel ok if I hadn’t done that.
I could say that I miss you, but honestly it doesn’t feel like that. Whenever I remember you, it’s with a bit of sorrow. Not for me, but for what could have been if you had act differently.
Blindfold.
There’s nothing like wander, not having a clue of what to do. Honestly, I don’t have a clue about what you could be doing by now. I just can’t picture that (and honestly I don’t have intentions of doing so).
I’m here to tell you that I don’t miss the good days anymore. And of course I don’t miss the bad days, never did. There’s always been a missing feeling of being true in your acts and that negates everything positive that could happen in me.
The only thing I miss is that you could somehow repair your mistakes, because, I guess, it’s not easy to deal with such a disturbing past. But I guess there isn’t a way for that anymore, is there? I guess not…
Time to go on with my life. You could have decided to stay along, but you didn’t.
You could have done so much more.
But you didn’t.
Anonymous asked: Can I have your good name? The real one. :)
You can call me R.
“you’re such an amazing person. you love. you care.”
yes. and you don’t.
So close, but you missed. Come get your stuff.
I love you and it’s really tough to see it’s all ending in four days.
